It was my last day at Lapland UK on Monday, so Elf Control let me do a shift on the SWAT team, which is a fantastic name for a threesome which relieves other elves for their breaks. Rather than doing the same show over and over again, the SWAT team do a bit of everything which is a treat! Only if you know all the lines however….
In the magic pathway, I was playing Eeko the environment elf, who speaks only in rhyme. Her recycling song goes “Try hard to use things in more ways than one, we call that recycling and it’s lots of fun, that way you’ll be helping our world to live longer, and you can feel proud that you’ve made us all stronger…” etc etc. I did know it, in the back of my mind, but when I emerged from my treetop hiding place and found myself almost entirely blinded by the theatrical spotlights, only just able to make out a few faces among the audience below me, one of whom was that of Jeremy Kyle(!!!!!) I froze! It completely threw me, and I could not for the life of me remember my lines! The concealed microphone pinned to my cheek seemed to cruelly magnify my uneasy silence. Think think think! I strained. The rhyme was definitely about recycling… How did it start Goddamnit?! With every passing second I was conscious of more and more expectant faces amongst the audience. Jeremy Kyle did not look impressed. The silence was stifling, I had to do something.
“Overground, undergroung, elfing free
The elves of Lapland UK are we!
Making good use of the things that we find
Things that the human folk leave behind…”
I mumbled. All those long car journeys with N’s family playing the Wombles album must have had more of an impact than I had realised. I think of the Wombled under pressure! I then remembed the last couplet, and almost shouted it!
“So give me a wave if you’re going to help me,
And then I will know that you’re all Eeko-friendly!”
As the group filed out of the magical forest and into Lapland UK proper, I nearly fell out of my tree in relief! Luckily, the rest of the day passed smoothly. In the evening most of the cast went to the pub. I couldn’t drink, as I’m all drugged up ready for the operation, but I was bought an endless supply of diet coke all night! Charlie from Elf Control presented me with a beautiful bunch of pink roses and lilies, and a card. I don’t know what he’ll do on Christmas Eve, when the rest of the 200-strong cast leave. Perhaps I’m just special! After an emotional car-park farewell, I drove home listening to Heart FM, which rather cruelly played an advert for Lapland UK, followed by Stay Another Day.
Although I’m a terrible actress, I certainly did make a good elf. I’m ridiculously overexcited when it comes to Christmas, and am usually always energetic, enthusiastic and great with children. Lapland UK was the perfect job. I absolutely loved it! Its so unfair that my dream job only lasts 45 days a year!!